You don't know what it is, something unusual happens in your day, a strange coincidence, or you just find yourself somehow being pulled

but you arrive home at a time when you would normally not be home, You feel a little odd, can't quite put your finger on it but you know something is wrong. You close the front door quietly and hear a noise upstairs burglars? No, you hear a woman's giggle, you climb the stairs push your bedroom door open and your husband is in bed with another woman. YOUR BED. The bed that you sleep together and make love in.

Was it like that for you? Or did you discover the infidelity some other way?

What were the feelings? Betrayal, humiliation, anger, rage, embarrassment, sadness, desire for vengeance, sorrow, grief?

Was she younger than you? More attractive? Less attractive? Did you find it difficult to understand what he saw in her? Did you find it harder to understand what she saw in him? Did you question your own attractiveness? Did you question your ability to please him sexually? Did you ask what it was she would do for him that you wouldn't? How could he do it in our home? How could he do it in our bed?

Do you feel violated? Is your home no longer the place it was? Do you beat yourself up for not realising sooner? Do you now see all the little signs that you chose to ignore?

Did you cry?

If you didn't then that is your first task? Cry for what you have lost.

From this point on you have a choice - to repair the relationship, or to end the relationship. What a lot of people do is to pretend that everything is ok, they pretend to deal with and heal the rift. They do that because they are not honest enough with themselves to admit that they have a comfortable lifestyle they could not maintain on their own, so the infidelity is tolerated 'as long as it doesn't happen again', so a lifestyle is maintained and physical comfort is secured. And the blinkers firmly affixed to the head. They do that because they are too ashamed of what family and friends will think. It's as if they, the innocent party, will be seen as the guilty one by others. It's as if they think that everyone else will think 'she mustn't be any good in bed. Why else would he look elsewhere?'

It's tough on your own.

It's tough on your own if you see yourself as too old to succeed in another relationship or to attract another partner.

It's tough on your own if you have no trust in the opposite sex because 'they are all the same'.

The biggest problem with repairing the relationship is dealing with the betrayal and learning to trust again. Without trust there is no relationship. Don't ever try to fool yourself that you can have a relationship with someone you do not trust. Without comfortable physical intimacy there is no relationship. Without love there is no relationship. Don't ever try to fool yourself that you can have an intimate relationship without love. By intimate, I don't mean sexual. By intimate I mean a sharing of thoughts, fears and desires, wishes and dreams, hopes and worries. But a sharing that is born out of a sense of knowing that your partner will not make fun of your dreams, or dismiss your worries as if they were naught.

Love there's the word at the back of all this.

How could he do this to me if he loves me?

The truth is he couldn't. Love and betrayal are incompatible. Where there is betrayal and deceit there is no love. Love is an honouring of another. Love is a supporting and an encouraging of another. It is loving to say 'I want to take a mistress. Do you have a problem with that?', if part of the relationship agreement you have with your partner is that you are faithful to each other. You might not like hearing it, but love isn't actually about bending over backwards to please someone because of their particular sensitivities. Love is more about your own integrity and being truthful to yourself and your ideals.

It is worthwhile, at this point, to explore exactly what you think loving someone means. And by explore I mean get out a pen and paper and write down what you think it means. If you are in the process of trying to repair a relationship, then your partner needs to do this too and then you need to swap and each see what the other thinks love is. By doing this you will each have insight into the mind of the other. However, it is important that neither one of you attempts to defend your words or ideas. It is important that neither of you criticises the thoughts of the other either out loud or in the privacy of your own mind.

If there are points of agreement then there is a harmony that can be built upon. If not then make a choice to each explore, through reading inspirational books, the idea about what exactly love is, or make a choice to wish each other well and go your separate ways.