Aries
March 21st - April 20th
It's time to start giving people the benefit of the doubt and being more accepting of those who have different ideas to you. So the next time someone in your vicinity answers their mobile phone to the sound of the Crazy Frog ring tone, try to convince yourself that they are not an unoriginal, brain dead, twat with the sense of humour of a six year old.

Taurus
April 21st - May 21st
Taureans are notoriously quick tempered, have a tendency to over react and commonly have an intense dislike of noodle based hot snacks. Try and keep some perspective on the situation then when your partner comes home from Tesco while you are cutting some trees down in the garden with a chainsaw, when they proudly announce that they took advantage of a fantastic '20 for the price of one' Pot Noodle promotion.

Gemini
May 22nd - June 21st
The most passionate, intense and sexually charged holiday romance is on the cards for you this month. And who would have thought that such physical ecstasy and fulfilment would have been likely when you first agreed to accompany the old people from the local home on their day trip to Bournemouth?

Cancer
June 22nd - July 22nd
An explosive argument with your partner results in both of you questioning your future together. If you want to save the relationship then consider the possibility that you may just have been wrong - Celebrity Love Island is not the greatest TV programme of all time.

Leo
July 23rd - August 23rd
A close friend plucks up the courage to confide in you about a highly embarrassing personal problem. Spice up what will otherwise be a terrible month for you by telling everyone that knows them and having a good laugh about it.

Virgo
August 24th - September 22nd
Cram in as much time as possible with your elderly relatives, watch your partner like a hawk and be extra vigilant when checking your testicles/breasts this month - and take some comfort from the fact that us astrologers are wrong two thirds of the time. Still not looking good though is it?

Libra
September 23rd - October 23rd
As Mars enters Uranus, what better time than to rush out and buy Marianne Faithfull's greatest hits?

Scorpio
October 24th - November 22nd
Prepare yourself for a roller coaster ride of a month featuring a smattering of quite good news, some indifferent news, mild excitement, occasional minor boredom, regular bouts of eating, drinking and excretion, and constant respiration and bladder control. It'll be a month to remember!

Sagittarius
November 23rd - December 21st
Help yourself to deal with some devastating news this month by purchasing the latest Brian McFadden album - and smashing the poxy thing to pieces. If only there was a way of getting to Brian himself.

Capricorn
December 22nd - January 20th
Beware of arguments at home boiling over and dividing the house as food levels start to run low. Make sure you give your all to the tasks and rewards will come your way, and to those around you. Always keep your pants on when showering and don't let Maxwell's ridiculous catchphrases enter your vocabulary. By the way, can anyone recommend a TV repair man? I can't get anything else on my bloody telly other than E4.

Aquarius
January 21st - February 18th
You're going to win the Lottery this month!! Yes, really! The rollover jackpot!! It's what you've always dreamed of! A happening so unlikely, experienced by so few! It's never, ever going to happen again in your lifetime, or that of many others! Enjoy it and don't let splitting the money with the other 5 million Aquarians in the country, leaving you just 2, spoil it for you.

Pisces
February 19th - March 20th
It may well be time to broaden your working horizons and consider a career move - find yourself a job that's going to inspire you, utilise your talents and give you the long term career you've been craving. Not only that but unknown to you, your workmates can't stand the sight of you and love nothing more than ripping into you the moment you leave the room.